Lately.

Lately.
I've been sad.
The kind of sad, where my heart just hurts. I cry every day. The kind where my throat swells up and i'm just overcome with sadness. I can't totally put my finger on it.
my heart aches for a new baby, more children, more siblings for my kids , a big family like I've always dreamed of.
But I don't think thats the single source of my grief. It must be a combination of that and the kids going back to school, growing up, leaving me and Kit at home and some other stresses we've been dealing with.
I run on the treadmill so hard. Trying to sweat out all the sadness. Sometimes crying as I run, trying to suck up every last endorphin my moving legs and beating heart will give me. It works for a little bit. I feel satisfied for a while and then it hurts again.
And then there's chocolate. I eat it like my life depends on it. What can't chocolate fix? It hasn't mended my aching heart, but I will keep trying. That I am sure of.

I'm writing this, not for sympathy, but for relief. It is always therapeutic for me to literally spell it out. get it off my chest.

Also, because this is my journal. The record of my life. I hope some day, my children read it with fond memories of their childhood. I also hope I protray an accurate representation of our life.
It isn't perfect. Sometimes it's easier to record the perfect moments. the pretty moments. And there are so many of those, for that I am grateful.
There is so much beauty around me. I am surrounded by constant gifts and privileges. My life is full of almost every little thing I could ask for. Every day is a miracle. I live with health, safety, love and comfort.

I've been thinking about the scripture  2 Timothy 4:17
Where Paul is told to preach the gospel in a day of apostasy.

"the Lord stood with me, and strengthened me"

Just like the Lord stood with Paul, I know he stands with me. He strengthens me. He doesn't leave us alone when we're doing hard things.  I have had subtle and occasional assurances that he stands by me and strengthens me. 

 I've also been thinking about how it's okay to not always feel that. I am learning a lot, I'm being refined. Part of that includes, usually feeling isolated and alone.  Nobody knows what I'm feeling. Sadness and loneliness are okay. They're part of life. They're feelings that we've been given as mortals on this earth. They aren't pleasant but we don't need to feel guilty for feeling them. When I don't feel the Lord standing with me and strengthening me, I don't need to feel like I've done something wrong. I need to validate it, work for it through prayer and study. I need to not get frustrated if it doesn't come right away I need to rely on the past assurances that I've had and the sure knowledge that I have that he is there. 

I'm gonna go run on the treadmill, eat some chocolate and pray. Pray hard.